by: Raine

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As everyone knows, I’ve recently undergone surgery. It was very successful. No complications at all. The surgeon was really happy. I was really happy on drugs.

At least for the first two days.

And then reality set in.

I can’t do ANYTHING alone.

Sure, after this process is over, I’ll play cello and drive and eat and everything with no pain. But right now I can’t even open the refrigerator door! *sob*

Just now my mom fed me my medication…and helped me drink out of the cup…

&*(*&^%$%^&*()^#@$*))(*&^%$

I’m a three-year-old again. With white boxing gloves for hands. Did I mention they are orange, my hands? The iodine simply won’t come off! AND IT SMELLS!

Well, the one thing I can do is type with two fingers, and as Shukmeister pointed out, I can play Heart and Soul on the piano. (Very apropos considering the new K-drama, Big, is coming out next Monday.)

In any case, I was whining so let me get back to it.

The first few days all I did was sleep and chomp drugs and sleep some more. But now the pain is moderate and I don’t want to take those things longer than necessary. The elbow is what really kills, but as the stubborn creature that I am, I try to ignore it. However, if I try to open a door, my wounds yell at me…and my brother yells at me.

‬”What are you doing? I’m right here! Are you stupid?”

Why yes, yes I am. I forget that a simple task such as opening a door is now a monumental obstacle.

Actually, I keep forgetting that everything is an obstacle.

Like yesterday, I went to grab some peanut butter (my absolute favorite snack in the universe) and dropped the jar, caused my dad to come running and my cat to flee.

According to my brother, the only way I’m allowed to open a door is by doing a Kung fu backflip (which involves legs only.)

Ah yes, I’ll get right on brushing up my Kung fu skills that I learned from Bruce Lee re-runs. Then, again, practicing Kung fu while heavily medicated could potentially be more dangerous than trying to open a door with recently operated hands…

Sorry bro, I think I must forgo the Kung fu and just have you at my beck and call to open doors.

Oooh, I like the sound of that.

One thing I’ve learned is to use my teeth and toes in ways I never thought I could use them before.

For example, changing my shirt requires ostrich-like maneuvering of my neck to grab a sleeve with my teeth. Next comes the attempt to reach the clothe with my toes. While I’m contorted like a circus freak, my mother comes in to yell at me and pulls it off in one fa’al swoop.

So maybe I haven’t quite learned to use my teeth and toes as I ought. I suppose that news will please my orthodontist.

It doesn’t please me, though. No sirree. It’s just another failed attempt at independence. I’m a sixteen-year-old asking to stay out all night with a co-ed group of friends.

And there’s another major source for my rant: My cat. My baby boy. My ickle Timmy…

I can’t pet him. I can’t feed him or play with him. I just don’t have the finger dexterity or the strength.

Timmy keeps glancing up at me with those big gold/green eyes and giving me that cute little chirrup he reserves just for me. I can only imagine what he’s thinking. “Does she not worship me anymore? How dare she ignore me!!!”

And so I’m being punished.

As many of you know, I’m obsessed with my cat. Or rather, he has hi-jacked my brain and made me obsessed with him. Therefore, it’s utter agony to be parted from him thus. I get to watch as he puprosefully flirts with my family; they pet him and feed him and I feel like a complete outsider. Will he forget that I am mommy? It seems like he’s adopted my mommy as his mommy and yet, he continues to hold me hostage with his magical “cute kitty powers”. The worst form of punishment.

What an evil cat, using his cuteness against me. And yet… *sob*

On top of all those woes and agonies, this post has taken forever to type. I can honestly say that the two finger pecking method is the crappiest form of typing ever known to man. I keep making typis, majr spelling errurs and having to go back and corect evrrythign.

I get these god-forsaken bandages off on Friday and I promise to be realllllllllly good to my hands and elbows from now on.

I never want to type a two finger rant again!!!!