by: Raine

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1. Foothills are NOT mountains. Yes, everything in Florida is flat so the emergence of a geographical point that is taller than Mount Trashmore may SEEM like a mountain, but it is not. Still, they’re SO tall! And slopey. And scary! Can’t it be a mountain to someone who is from 20 feet above sea level?
2. Humidity outside of Florida is a joke. No longer do I need massive amounts of product to tame my hair. No longer do I have to redo my hair halfway through the day because it frizzed.
3. Same goes for make-up. It doesn’t run! It doesn’t melt! I don’t sweat it off. HOMIGOSH!
4. Don’t complain that people who can’t take the heat are wusses. They get mad at you. Heh.
5. Don’t cry when native cold weather people make fun of you for not being able to take the cold.
6. Don’t tell someone from Colorado that they live in the Midwest. You might die.
7. No one knows what a cortadito is. No, it’s not the fake Cuban coffee on the menus.
8. You can’t get pastelitos at the local gas station. Tragedy.
9. You can’t use random Spanglish phrases or you’ll get blank looks. “Eh, tu sabes where my liga is?”
10. Call someone’s child “mama” and you get “I’m not your mama.” *facepalm*
11. Don’t dress up so much. You look like a fool. You’re not in Miami anymore.
12. Driving in the snow is NOT like driving in the rain. It’s scary. You also need ice scrapers. Best bet: stay inside.
13. Don’t get scared if your neighbors are friendly. No, they’re not trying to rob you. They really are just saying “hi”.
14. Looking for an apartment is hella easy when it costs $300 to $500 less a month to rent. Yeah, thaz ri’ yo!
15. You can actually go for a walk outside without drowning in your own sweat!
16. People always ask you if you lived on the beach. And you should say yes…because you can.
17. The majority of the population is white. It’s so mind-blowing because I grew up in a melting pot. Where are the Jamaicans and Cubans and Haitians? Where is the FOOD?! Where is the music???? I need to go play bachata while eating goat curry and rice and peas.
18. I miss all the men who can DANCE. HOMIGOSH SO SEXY!
19. You don’t kiss people on the cheek to greet them. DON’T. They will be fearful and run away. A handshake or awkward wave will suffice.
20. If you’re from Miami, like me, and you’re talking, you’re probably too loud. We Miamians have no volume control. Install one before you move here.
21. There are places that DON’T HAVE A/C. WHAT THE HELL?! Who thought THAT up? Pssssssh. (The house I rent doesn’t have A/C! *gasp*)
22. Waking up early in winter to scrape snow off your car SUCKS. And shoveling out your driveway.
23. Floridians like watching idiots play in flood water and laughing. It’s not the same as playing in snow. There is sewer water in that there flood water, folks. And debris, HELLO TETANUS! And it could potentially be electrified. Yup, you go play in it. I will watch you while drinking a beer. *shudder* *que sucio*
24. You get teased for your accent and discover that there really is a Miami accent. Stoopid.